Over the last few weeks, I've been experiencing this horrible feeling similar to that sinking dread we all feel when we lock keys in our cars. However, this one has less dread and more sadness attached, and I just can't figure out why.
I tried looking back over my life to see what I did then that I'm not doing now, and I'm having a rough time figuring it out. As far as I can remember, I've always been a person who enjoyed taking risks. We're not talking Vegas slots, but we are talking risks involving life-changing experiences. I guess the last one I took was having a child, and since then, I've felt kind of "average" if that can accurately capture it.
Don't get me wrong. I love my life. I have an amazing husband and a wonderful child, and I wouldn't do it over again any other way. However, I don't feel much like me anymore, and I'd like to know how to find that person again, if it's possible. I never felt the type of guilt I feel now, and I never felt the type of "averageness" I feel now. Work is a complete joke since I figured out how to play the game and keep myself under the radar, and that's sad because I have no drive there to move forward.
I often feel like my outer layer is slowly falling apart piece by piece, and each piece is something I want to keep. Is there a way to stop this? What is it that's happening in the first place? I don't know these answers, but I can say that it's becoming worse as the years go by, and I'd like to salvage the parts that are still there.
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